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come with me, to the sea.

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Jan. 30th, 2010 | 04:51 pm

I miss my Tank Girl/Delirium days. Do you remember? When I was young and irrseponsible, painting swirls off the tips of my eyes and running about with ripped fishnets on my arms and skirts over torn jeans and my hair various colors of neon, mostly shaved away into mohawks and chelseas and the like? Some of you do, I bet. The past few years I've grown out hair and covered tattoos and toned down my silliness for jobs and boys and parents so long that I'd gotten used to this more conservative and normal version of myself, almost had myself convinced it was what I really wanted and needed to be able to grow up. But who says I can't be a responsible adult AND have stupid hair? My workplace is very liberal about appearances and encourages all of us to be ourselves so there's lots of tattoos, piercings, and the like running rampant in that place, it's fantastic. And now I'm dating someone who loves me as I am, for my personality and my heart, who I severely doubt would mind if I looked a bit silly. So I'm quite tempted to use this bottle of pink dye I found, and maybe find someone with a pair of clippers to shape me a mohawk again. I want a stompy pair of Docs and some nice fluffy skirts, maybe some suspenders and an army jacket too big for me covered in patches; to be writing again and leaving little surprises for strangers everywhere, and then turning around to swig off a bottle of vodka and kick someone's ass if necessary. I miss that shit. I miss feeling invincible and fictional, and not caring what people think of me based on the things that I enjoy. But I'm nervous and hesitant to return and give up this invisibility, this anonymity, this ability for me to dress in black and just blend into the sidewalk and the bus. I've also gained a bit of weight and that pesky part of me is convinced that I'm not skinny enough to pull of that look anymore.

God... am I getting too old? I'm 24. I don't feel old, and yet I'm sure people would think I'm too adult to let myself have this sort of creative freedom of aesthetic.

I think a lot of this is coming from my returning to my natural personality. Being happy, and getting excited about things, cracking jokes and having fun again. Really loving my life, it makes me want to express it outwardly as much as I can.

What do you think?

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Comments {11}

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mighty-mighty-mighty

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from: hilaryann
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 01:16 am (UTC)
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Oh man, that would be so great! Thank you!!

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miss shawna

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from: meowberry
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 01:49 am (UTC)
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Haha well I'm probably the wrong person to ask because I'll always encourage fun hair...but DO IT! And it is completely not silly and stupid, more like super fun and awesome :D I like the thought of you looking like that again because I do associate it with fun & happy Hilary...which is always good. It's hard to be sad when you have pink hair and a fluffy skirt, for reals.

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mighty-mighty-mighty

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from: hilaryann
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 02:27 am (UTC)
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Yay I'm glad you agree :) I figured you would, haha, but still <3

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Lis

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from: tyskkvinna
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 03:29 am (UTC)
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We should never be afraid to be ourselves.

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mighty-mighty-mighty

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from: hilaryann
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 04:57 am (UTC)
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Very good point. Thank you Lis <3

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Zachary Brennan

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from: insub2
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 04:01 am (UTC)
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I found my my black leather "motor cycle" jacket. And after reading this, I think I'll get a new piercing this week.

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mighty-mighty-mighty

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from: hilaryann
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 04:54 am (UTC)
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Awesome, what will you pierce?

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.

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from: miss_almost
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 04:19 am (UTC)
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im 23 and i feel too old to do silly things like have piercings, and silly hair and torn jeans and everything else that scream youth.

i also miss feeling fictional. now reality is just much too bright and ugly.

good luck on getting things sorted. i wish i had more to say, but any advice/insight i might have is clearly something im not following myself.

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from: sidekick_dog
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 08:22 am (UTC)
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I like the phrase "feeling fictional." I think too many people live through their lives with a dangerous lack of "what if."

On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with non-fictional fun. As long as you're comfortable with it, then don't worry about it.

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Sara Theresa Strey

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from: starrbear
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 04:34 pm (UTC)
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This is where I disagree with 'what not to wear'. Wear what you want and be what you want - especially if work doesn't mind.

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The Evening Star

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from: dave_the_wave
date: Jan. 31st, 2010 10:57 pm (UTC)
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I encourage you to be yourself at any cost. Even if I don't like something you totally want to be. You should always be yourself, no matter what. It makes sense to water yourself down for jobs, but don't do that for boys. :) (that's all hypothetical. I meant IF I didn't like it. But since I DO then there's even LESS to worry about. )
I will love you no matter what you do, by the way. You're a walking masterpiece, and it would be even greater to have expressions of yourself permeate your existence.
We'll get you some more pink since it didn't work out.
And I have clippers, by the way.
much loves

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