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Jan. 11th, 2010 | 06:53 am

There's something really comforting in the mundane. My mum sent a bit of money my way, and after using some to pay my electric bill and take David out to sushi to repay him for all his recent help (and because he's awesome and it was an excuse to hang out), I went to the grocery store last night and bought some staples. Not my recent staples--the older stuff. Things I would find at my parents' house. $18 worth of wheat bread, turkey bologna, apples, bananas, cocoa puff cereal, soy milk, avocados, and some little frozen pizzas. I made a turkey sandwich for lunch today, and it felt very nice.

Portland is feeling like home, now. Going back to MI for that week and then returning here, I can feel it. This is home.

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downdowndown to go up

Jan. 8th, 2010 | 06:33 am

Day Ten of the mysterious silence from Luke. I'm still upset and confused, but trying to force myself to stop caring and just go into robotic sleep/wait-mode. Because how someone can go from "I love you more than I've ever loved anyone" to inexplicably dropping off the planet for a week and a half just doesn't compute with me, so I have to go into safe mode or else I'll get frozen into the Blue Screen of Death.

Anyway. I've been sick with some sort of stomach bug (or it's my body not reacting well to drinking milk again) and I think I'm finally starting to get over it. David very kindly provided me with crackers and Gatorade Wednesday night and I stayed home from work yesterday. I think not going out into the cold and just lying in bed reading helped (and I devoured the whole of "Good Omens"!), because I do feel better today. I've had no energy the past few days so my apartment is in a state of total disarray, the dishes need to be done before they crawl off, I have no clean clothes (and been wearing the same jeans for days), and the cats need a bath pretty badly. I noticed a couple of fleas on Pandora, and if there are a couple I've seen on her, that means there's inevitably actually many of them on both cats. And they're out of cat food, and have only one tin of tuna left. (They won't drink milk or eat eggs, I've discovered.)

I wish I could just fast-forward ahead a few weeks past all this money stress and illness and anxiety. I'm getting to a better place, and soon everything will be so much better, it's just right now I'm at that steep uphill part with the rough terrain that I wasn't quite prepared for. I love my job and my new friends, and that helps.

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Jan. 3rd, 2010 | 12:14 am

If you were me, and you were bored to death of your hair, would you pick this or this for your new style? I'm also considering going back to this look, but I'm not sure.

Working in an office of 30 other ladies has me feeling sort of boring and frumpy compared to how cutely coiffed they all are. I haven't touched my hair since March, since it was growing out of being super-duper short, so it's shapeless and uncooperative these days.

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Jan. 2nd, 2010 | 03:20 pm

On New Year's Eve, my friend Brandon met me after work and offered to buy me lunch from "that dinosaur cafe [I] like so much", haha. It's called Laughing Planet and their food is extremely yum for how affordable it is--mostly burritos and bowls with lots of rice and bean and veggie action, with some chicken and spicy goodness. I got the Che which has plantains and sweet potatoes as well as the usual rice/bean/spicyness. We ate and talked and made plans to hang out again soon after his wife flies back in from Michigan. They're really great and fun people, I'm so glad we found each other again after so many years!

Later that evening I moped around my apartment, missing my ghost-boyfriend, while tidying it up for the tea party I was planning. My new e-friend Jenni wanted to meet up and I thought it was a fun way to cheer myself up. I'd also invited Dave, Erin, and Shane since we'd had so much fun together on Christmas. Jenni ended up never calling or showing up, so it was just the four of us left to tea, muffins, and chocolate. We piled into Dave's car afterward and crashed a party he'd been told about. It was an amazing time. Thanks to the bottle of wine and champagne we shared, things went from zero to dancetastic fairly quickly. They're such a hilarious bunch that I was laughing and smiling the entire time, right up to being dropped off home around 5:00am.

The next day, I was in hangover/headache city, opting to sleep in until nearly 6:00pm. I finally dragged myself from bed and ate a piece of toast, chatted off and on with my friend Johnny while working on some writing, and then he decided to come pick me up for a late dinner. There was also, he said, a surprise involved so I'd have to wait a couple of hours. You guys! He showed up to my flat with bags of groceries! It was the sweetest thing ever, and totally unexpected (also well-timed, because I was running pretty low on oatmeal and beans). My cupboard's never been this full before, it's overwhelming. I gave him a big hug and we set off to find dinner adventure. We ended up at Le Bistro Montage, which is precariously placed under the Morrison Bridge and surrounded by bum camps--there was even a fight nearby involving dogs when we walked up--but once inside it's all class. We split a plate of spicy frog's legs (so messy but so divine!), each took 2 oyster "shots" (really fresh and with lemon juice and cocktail sauce they were perfect) and I had the crawfish etouffe. It was the best meal I can remember ever having eaten. It was really great to finally hang out with Johnny, he's so nice and chill (and didn't seem to mind me excitedly chattering on about cooking and film snobs, ha!) and we get on really well.

All in all, the past couple of days has underscored just how lucky I am to have made such great people in my life.

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(no subject)

Dec. 31st, 2009 | 10:44 am

I'm having a tea party for NYE tonight. It began as a silly way to meet up with my new friend Jenni, and evolved into an actual gathering. I'm actually kind of excited.


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i was walking with a...

Dec. 30th, 2009 | 11:51 pm

A few years ago, when I was a girl of 21, I had one of those 4th-dimension-warping dreams. The type that lasts well over a month inside, though in the waking world it's only been a few moments. In this dream, I was (for reasons unknown) living in Argentina with a family who lived in the countryside. There was an aging mother and father, a sister in her mid thirties, and twin brothers in their early/mid twenties living on a large farm with sprawling grounds.

During the course of my stay, one of the brothers and I fell madly in love. His name was Victor. I remember being awed with what he did with his hands--and no, I don't mean sexually. They moved expertly with a knife and shaped dough when he helped his mother cook; they were calloused from working in the field and garden; they were hypnotizing when he played guitar. I remember his soft eyes and his lips. His brother Julian (lulz I think my brain picked that name because it rhymes with 'hooligan'), on the other hand, was a bit of an asshole and was lazy. He was the one making snide remarks and making messes and being sort of a douchebag much of the time. They were rivals and could barely stand each other.

One morning I was sitting at the kitchen table drinking coffee, alone while Victor was off doing something. Julian burst into the room and started talking all this crazy nonsense about how he was actually Victor and that Julian had stolen his body, forced them to switch. I didn't believe him, he pleaded with me and called me 'little kitten' which only Victor did, but I thought it was some elaborate joke and told him to fuck off. He gave up and left but told me that if he found out that I had been with Julian-in-Victor's-body before he could figure out how to switch them back, he wouldn't ever forgive me. Later, Victor returned and I told him about what Julian had said, and he laughed it off and I let it drop. We wandered the grounds quietly on a long walk and, after a while, got to making out leaned against a tree. Then 'Julian' appeared and started beating 'Victor' up until he finally confessed. Then he slapped me across the face and said he'd warned me, and I didn't listen, so he wouldn't ever forgive me, and he left. Soon after that, I woke.

I was that soul-crushing kind of heartbroken for days. I woke up before anything was resolved, so that's how it'll be forever burned into my memory. A short-lived but intense love, brought to a blunt and painful halt because I fucked up. I was pretty devastated. This man, who never even actually existed, took me weeks to get over in real life after that dream. Eventually Victor faded and was just a ghost of a boy who had once loved me intensely, then vanished.

This is relevant to how I am feeling these days. I'm stuck in deja vu, aching for a ghost. Only this time I don't know the hows or whys, and there wasn't a climactic moment of epiphany and face-slapping. Just silence. Thick blankets of quiet stretching across the continent and wrapping tightly around the muscle beating in my chest, squeezing it, strangling me.

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Dec. 27th, 2009 | 04:37 am

One thing the internet has done for me, personally, has been aiding in my cultivation of a real relationship with my father. When I was a kid, things were rough. When I was a teenager, things were super rough. Then after I graduated high school and began my 5-year stint as a receptionist in the high-end hi-fi shop he ran, we started to size each other up as adults who could get along. We bonded and formed a friendship over shared experiences at work, as well as shared enjoyment of internet memes and pop-culture bullshit in the office. He'd gotten really into using the internet (especially forums) to cultivate his hobbies and make friends with other bike enthusiasts/watch addicts/motorcyclists/etc., and it was a really positive outlet for his stress. I encouraged this since I'm much the same way, and would show him things I thought were cool online.

A year and a half ago the company he and I worked for folded and we didn't have those opportunities to discuss "Chocolate Rain" in depth between customers anymore. Text messaging came into the picture and that helped. Then a while back he made a Facebook profile and added me; most people I've spoken to about the subject are uncomfortable with their parents or family friending them on social networking sites but in the past few years my family has gotten much closer and they saw me through some low points, so I don't feel like I have anything to hide from them.

Tonight I checked my mail and saw that I had a Christmas card from my father with a $20 bill tucked inside. He knows from Facebook that my life hasn't been awesome lately, that I'm broke (in that $3 in my wallet and bank account negative $280 kind of way) and struggling. It was a really sweet gesture on his part so I sent him a message thanking him. A few minutes ago my phone buzzed and it was a two-word reply from him: "Love you."

I've only heard this from my dad a handful of times since I grew up. My wedding day 2 years ago; a quiet car-ride to work when I was 19 during a low point when I was nearly hospitalized; this past birthday of his. It's not that I wasn't always aware that he does love me; I've always felt that he does even when our relationship was quite strained. But I was never the "daddy's girl" sort and my dad didn't typically express his affection verbally much. So every time it comes up, it sort of stops me for a second. I pause, I absorb it slowly, and I appreciate it. These kinds of things have been happening a lot more often lately. Dropping comments or messages of encouragement, support, affection. Links to silly things I would like. Little e-hugs. Right now is probably the best our father/daughter relationship has ever been, and that's a really huge deal to me.

I pretty much almost cried when I got that message and thought about it. But, you know, in the good way.

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(no subject)

Dec. 27th, 2009 | 03:54 am

It was probably stupid for me to think that I could go to school right now, my finances and life being what they are. The student loan company finally sent me an "oh hey we did get those checks, sorry dude, here's a statement" letter, but it feels like the universe intervening.

In the mean time I'm going to focus on bettering my life in general. Getting my debts paid off, taking better care of myself (physically and mentally/spiritually), making changes. I'm really quite tired of making plans and looking forward to things that never seem to pan out, so fuck that. I'm going to start DOING rather than ARRANGING TO DO. I fret over details instead of letting myself have experiences and get things accomplished and feel good about them.

I don't want to make posts about what I want to do. What I'm going to do.
I want to be making posts about things I've done.

This is my New Year's resolution.

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strangerdanger and drinking and christmas

Dec. 26th, 2009 | 02:17 am

I spent the day with my friend Brandon, since his wife Dieneke is out of town and we're both Portland orphans. We baked oatmeal raisin chocolate chip cookies, watched internet memes on youtube, he gave me school supplies for Christmas, and we watched "Fight Club".

Now I'm in a house full of strangers, care of my friend Dave (whom I've only just met) playing drinking games.

Good day <3

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breathing easier

Dec. 25th, 2009 | 05:14 pm

After a week of silence, Luke called today. He and Shannon had been up at his dad's place in the more rural area of the farm-town he and I grew up in for the past 3 days, and he (understandably) didn't have any signal on his cell phone while up there. My dad used to have the same problem when he went to visit my grandparents out there. I'm really relieved, to say the least, I was starting to worry. He was his old self again and spoke of Shannon's next surgery being soon and how they have a car now, and they're planning on being out here at the end of January. Thank god I was worrying over nothing. I need to remind myself to chill the fuck out sometimes and not let myself get all worked up when I don't know what's going on.

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