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Directions, a map, and a compass.

Feb. 4th, 2010 | 05:48 pm

New LJ account. Combining and pruning and sprucing up and starting cleanly.


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Q et A

Feb. 4th, 2010 | 08:53 am

pop quiz, hot shotCollapse )

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come with me, to the sea.

Jan. 30th, 2010 | 04:51 pm

I miss my Tank Girl/Delirium days. Do you remember? When I was young and irrseponsible, painting swirls off the tips of my eyes and running about with ripped fishnets on my arms and skirts over torn jeans and my hair various colors of neon, mostly shaved away into mohawks and chelseas and the like? Some of you do, I bet. The past few years I've grown out hair and covered tattoos and toned down my silliness for jobs and boys and parents so long that I'd gotten used to this more conservative and normal version of myself, almost had myself convinced it was what I really wanted and needed to be able to grow up. But who says I can't be a responsible adult AND have stupid hair? My workplace is very liberal about appearances and encourages all of us to be ourselves so there's lots of tattoos, piercings, and the like running rampant in that place, it's fantastic. And now I'm dating someone who loves me as I am, for my personality and my heart, who I severely doubt would mind if I looked a bit silly. So I'm quite tempted to use this bottle of pink dye I found, and maybe find someone with a pair of clippers to shape me a mohawk again. I want a stompy pair of Docs and some nice fluffy skirts, maybe some suspenders and an army jacket too big for me covered in patches; to be writing again and leaving little surprises for strangers everywhere, and then turning around to swig off a bottle of vodka and kick someone's ass if necessary. I miss that shit. I miss feeling invincible and fictional, and not caring what people think of me based on the things that I enjoy. But I'm nervous and hesitant to return and give up this invisibility, this anonymity, this ability for me to dress in black and just blend into the sidewalk and the bus. I've also gained a bit of weight and that pesky part of me is convinced that I'm not skinny enough to pull of that look anymore.

God... am I getting too old? I'm 24. I don't feel old, and yet I'm sure people would think I'm too adult to let myself have this sort of creative freedom of aesthetic.

I think a lot of this is coming from my returning to my natural personality. Being happy, and getting excited about things, cracking jokes and having fun again. Really loving my life, it makes me want to express it outwardly as much as I can.

What do you think?

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Q & A

Jan. 28th, 2010 | 09:06 am

Haven't done one of these in a while...Collapse )

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Jan. 25th, 2010 | 09:17 am

Quickly, a list of things I've encountered lately that I quite liked:

Let the Right One In
(500) Days of Summer
The Fall

Hospital Ships
Does It Offend You, Yeah?
Dark Side of the Cop

Odwalla's Chocolate Protein Monster
Neil Gaiman and Amanda Palmer's engagement
Hotlips' Waldorf Pizza (bleu cheese, apple slices, walnuts!)
Late-20s dad with infant in Baby Bjorn inside zipped hoodie
Staff meetings at Ruby

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Moment of workplace facepalming

Jan. 21st, 2010 | 12:38 pm

ME: "Thank you for calling _____ Law Firm, how may I--"
ME: "Uhm, this is--"
*BEEP BOOP BEEP BEEP* (can hear background sounds, breathing, etc.)
ME: "...Can I connect you?"
CALLER: "Oh, sorry, I thought you were automated."
ME: "That's okay, how can I--"
ME: "Sir, you have to actually talk to me. I'm not auto--"
ME: "Sir, I'm going to hang up now."
CALLER: "Oh, jeeze, sorry. I'm just so used to being able to punch in an extension when I call places."
ME: "Yeah, sorry. I'm a person."

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Jan. 21st, 2010 | 08:00 am

Cutting out all that negativity (by moving out of GR and cutting toxic people/situations out of my life) and replacing it with positivity has been really good for me. I've been sleeping better, having far fewer headaches. Some nagging feelings of insecurity about my body and weight but nothing too major. I have a great job that I love that thinks I'm awesome; I have wonderful friends (that means you, dudes) whom I love; I have a sweet, funny, kind boyfriend; I live in a bitchin' city where it's the end of January and there's still moss and grass and green planlife and I'm comfortable walking around outdoors in just a hoodie and sneakers; I'm inching closer and closer to getting out of debt (a big deal to me--by mid-March I'll have cleared up over $1700 of old credit card bills, which makes living broke forever super worth it).

I'm trying to send that positivity back into the world a bit. Spending time with people who are important to me, as much as I can; treating the office to bagels; planning ~secret treatz~ for some rad people in my life. But most importantly, making a conscious effort to recognize that life is good, that I am "blessed", and that I have the power to expunge bad forces from my life. Which sounds like a bunch of new-age garbage, but seriously. It's something that I struggle with when I get in the grips of a "rough patch" and lose sight of when I'm all full of depression and anxiety, as you guys have seen. But if I keep myself surrounded with reminders of how fuckin rad life is, how amazing the people in my life are, etc., I think that really helps. It has been, lately.

So thank you guys ♥

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upgrade moar!

Jan. 19th, 2010 | 06:23 am

I've been entertaining the idea of cutting my hair lately, as you know (since I keep pestering you all for opinions). Yesterday at work it was driving me crazy, getting in the way of my headset, etc., and had ENUFF! After work I marched home, fed the kitties, took a couple swigs of wine, and set to work. I pulled it back into a low ponytail and, craft scissors in one hand and small mirror in the other, hacked it off. SO LIBERATING. I had forgotten just how amazing that feels ♥ I brought the back up a little into a sort of stacked A-line, but something that I hadn't thought about since the last time I'd cut my hair was this: back then I had a full-length mirror that I could prop on the bathtub so I could see the back and sides of my head in the sink mirror and have my hands free for cutting and moving hair; now I have one small sink mirror and a handheld mirror, and no free hand to move/hold hair to cut properly. After a bit of struggling and blindly (but carefully) snipping by feel, I gave up and decided to let someone else finish the job.

Being broke, I called the Aveda institute hoping for a cheap cut, but they only open the salon Tuesday - Friday. Next best thing: cheap salon in the mall. (Lulz.) So I hopped the train to the Lloyd Center and navigated their directory to find MasterCuts. Bracing myself for a handful of middle-aged women who'd love to give me a bowl-cut bob, I walked in and greeting me were two girls dressed sharply in black with visible piercings and tattoos, one in a deep teal and black rock-mullet and the other with a maroon fauxhawk. "Oh thank god," I thought with relief, "my people." Maroon-fauxhawk asked what I had in mind and I gave her three instructions: choppy, creative, keep some bangs.

It turned out shorter than I meant it to be, and pretty similar to one of my boss's haircuts, but otherwise looks pretty great. It's much more "Portland" than my boring long hair was, certainly. Not having it on my neck and falling in my face is pretty rad. She was so in love with the color (especially since it's natural) that she looked visibly pained cutting it all off, but I'm pretty happy. When it grows out a little into what I had originally intended it to be, I'll be even happier.

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Jan. 16th, 2010 | 11:45 am

Despite knowing I'm on track to better things and despite how well David treats me and how happy he makes me, I can't shake this feeling of distress and worthlessness regarding Luke. I still cannot understand how I could go from being so loved to being nothing like that. I put so much into that relationship (short lived as it was) and feel so cheated and betrayed and worthless.

After work Shannon (his roommate/bff) sent a message asking what was going on, and said no matter what she was there for me. I explained and totally broke down in frustrated tears right there on the street. When I got home I packed everything he gave me into a box and shipped it back to him. That helped.

I'm seeing David tonight and I think that will help too. He makes all of my self doubt and fear of worthlessness melt away because he seems to accept and fancy me exactly as I am. I deserve that, right?

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(no subject)

Jan. 15th, 2010 | 01:19 pm

As ever, I find myself shamefully putting my tail between my legs and saying, "I'm sorry, Evan, I should have listened to you." Because of course you were right. You said pretty much the exact same things as my cousin Michael, and I was too busy twitterpatin' to listen to either of you.

I've given up on Luke. He's become a ghost and I should have known better. He had me so hyped up and on such a high pedestal before I went out to visit him, that of course I couldn't possibly have lived up to it. It couldn't have been real, and in retrospect he must have just been rebounding really hard from the girl who broke his heart in the summer--it was shortly after that when he claims he fell for me. He started with the "I love you"s so early and even dropped the m-bomb at one point, before ever having really been with me. It was overwhelming. Since I'd had a crush on him since I was really young, and I was lonely out here in Oregon, I went along with it and ignored the warning bells.

At Christmas I met someone new, David, and we got along like a house on fire. I felt guilty being attracted to someone else when I had Luke, so I put it out of my mind. The less I heard from Luke, however, the more distressed and anxious I became--and the more distressed and anxious I became, the more the "love" I felt for him faded and reality set in. The next time I saw this new boy was on New Year's Eve, and we had a ridiculously fun time with his friends. That was two weeks ago, and in that time, two things have happened: 1) Luke completely dropped off the face of the planet and I haven't heard from him once; 2) I spent more and more time with David (and his friends/roommates Erin and Shane who are also heaps of fun) and got to some serious mutual twitterpating. Which is saying something, because I tried really hard -NOT- to be interested in him, but he's just so.. sort of.. perfect for me.

I feel sort of strange moving on so quickly, but it's been over a month since Luke and I actually had something resembling a functional relationship. And David is so refreshingly great--we've quickly become great friends, spend most of our time together laughing and having such awesome conversations, and he respects me... we aren't even dating yet and it's already the healthiest relationship I've been in~! So I really think I've done the right thing here. For once.

Evan: I promise to stop ignoring your advice. You're always right.

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